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Monday, December 25, 2017

He's back

Malang, December 25, 2017

Yesterday you told me that you'll come seeing me. And you really did. At first,  i thought that i'll just feel nothing,  because i remember the way you hurt me that much.
You asked me to come first to that place. I wait you untill i fell asleep. I heard that door opened and i knew it was you.
You kissed me softly while you were still using your shoes and a bag was still on your back.
Some memories came through my head..
I was acting normally,  but it was so hard for me handling my heartbeat. It felt like the 1st time we met.
I thought everything really changed now. But it wasn't..
Once i promised myself to say how much you hurt me, how i spent my days desperately while you weren't with me. But yet there i go, i don't even have words to say.

"I miss you. I really do."

The only thing i could say..
Seeing your face, hold your hand, feel your heart beat, finally i can do that all. Again.
It was 2days that really change me. I thought i got over you, but i didn't. ..
You always blame yourself for everything we did. But no,that isn't only because of you. I was the problem.
Yet here i am, a few hours after your leaving. Still crying over my pillow, like an idiot, i cried so hard at my office today.

Finally i feel it again, to love and to be loved by you.

Please stay.. please ask me to not get married to another. Please..

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Pergilah

Pergilah.. larilah..
Sejauh sekuat selama yang kamu bisa.
Sampai mati pun tidak akan ada maaf ku untukmu.
Jika suatu hari hal buruk terjadi, ingatlah dosa apa yang sudah kamu lakukan padaku.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Sorry

I hate you Om. I HATE YOU !!
I hate you for ignoring me all the time. I hate you for left me. I hate you for not loving me back. I hate you for stop talking to me.

I hate you for not caring me like i used to do. I hate you for this pain that kills me slowly. I hate you for every tears before i sleep. I hate you for sleepless night i spend alone. I hate you for making me fall this hard. I hate you..

No. I'm sorry. I mean.. i just hate myself for loving you like crazy. Yahh like this. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Sacrificed

You said that you're not happy, got so many problems, job, family, and your own self.
You choose to leave me so you can focus to make them over.
So i was sacrificed..

Did all that problems come because of me? Was it my fault? Did i bring bad luck to you? Did i make your life worse? Have you ever think a good thing i did for you? Even a little one?
Noo.. you just think about yourself.

It isn't easy for me to stop talking to you. But you want to. So i do it Om. Because i care about your feeling more than mine.

Sometimes i got so angry to you. You're not good, to me. Everyone knows. You treat me like a trash. Like a bubble gum to spit out when it lost its sweetness. But my anger always turn into tears, then i hate myself more than before.

I hate my self for loving you this much. I hate it for still waiting for something that won't ever come. I hate it for still trusting that you'll love me back oneday.

You said you'll catch me if i fall to you. But you don't. You left me when i was on my hardest fall.

My head says i should move up, get over you. Find another better man. Having a better life.

But then my heart tells me i should stay.. i was strong enough for this. I just  need to be a little bit patient, until you come back. Until you approve all your promises. There's no meaningless thing..

So i stay.. because i know that you're gentle enough to come back.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

my sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..

Selalu pada jam seperti saat ini. Menjelang pejamku kamu datang. Padahal seharian ini aku membiarkan diriku disibukkan pekerjaan. Sengaja agar tidak ada waktu untukku meratapi.

You make me happy, when skies are gray..

Katanya menyibukkan diri adalah salah satu cara untuk melupakan sesuatu, dan seseorang. I did it already, but everytime when I paused, I still remember you, a quite harder.

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you..

Sudah berminggu-minggu sejak terakhir kali kita bertemu. Biasanya tidak pernah selama ini. Jangan tanya seperti apa rinduku sekarang. Meskipun aku tau hanya aku yang merasakannya. Karena kamu memang tidak pernah.

Please don’t take my sunshines away..

Apa aku harus menyesali semua yang sudah terjadi? I did my best to keep you stay, you know that. But in the end you still choose to leave me, sadly..

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Belahan jiwa

Apa belahan jiwa itu memang ada?
Apa dia yang membuat jantungku berdebar tak karuan saat pertama bertemu?
Apa dia pasangan yang sempurna?
Atau dia yang membuatku rela mengesampingkan harga diri dan ego?
Atau mungkin dia yang mengajakku tumbuh bersama menjadi lebih baik dan berkomitmen?
Yang aku takutkan hanyalah jika belahan jiwa itu adalah orang lain yang terpaksa jatuh cinta hanya sekedar untuk menebus rasa bersalah..

Friday, June 16, 2017

Sorry

I'm sorry to all the people i hurt while i was hurting..